Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Og Mandino a famous salesman once said "Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later". This relates so much to skateboarding.The Ollie is the foundation to every single trick in skateboarding. You always do your best so you don't get injured and mastering the basic Ollie will allow you to pick up every trick later on. The Ollie is the plant and once you plant it, you will harvest the vast world that opens up after it.
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Jack, there is nothing really "wrong" with your opening here from a clarity standpoint. Thinking about your hook, you'll want to improve the casual language and syntax so that the language is more accurate and more detailed. For instance, the "you" in that last sentence should be either "I" or "one" because the writer (you) cannot assume that the reader ("you" as you wrote it) will learn to skate. So you want to keep the point of view either very first person or teach the device using third person point of view. The point of view determines who you write to.
ReplyDeleteYou also need work on commas in that first sentence; you have a dependent clause (an appositive, in this case) and a quote that is attached.
"This relates" isn't the worst but not the most smooth transition from quote to relevance. "This" causes some distance in the writer's interest in his or her own topic, instead of engagement. Since you are really the subject of the essay, you could more deeply connect to the quote with "I believe..." and finish off with what the quote says thematically to you, both in general and towards skateboarding. DO NOT ASSUME THE QUOTE's MEANING IS EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE TO EVERYONE THE SAME WAY!!!! Don't assume.
Those criticisms stated, I do like the metaphor and just want to see you use it as effectively as you can. Explain the idea of the metaphor more before you jump to skating.